How did I get here? To this place, where I have no place? I look to the right of me and I see a ghost. A ghost of a person who has walked beside me my whole life – a child really. A ghost of a little girl who has been waiting for me, but…
A sense of place
Sitting at my desk in my craft room, making some cards for some friends, radio playing in the background, my thoughts turn to what it means to have a sense of place and with it a sense of belonging. I am transported to age 8 when I am catapulted from our small 2-up, 2-down council…
Project Hope
I have heard it said that some Autistics have an ability to feel so much empathy that they can feel extreme pain if someone else around them is in pain. This of course flies in the face of what many still believe about Autistics. I have always felt the pain of the others around me….
Autism is not a disease!
One of the things that has come to light since my Autism diagnosis is when my core values appear to me to be either under threat or are being transgressed in any way, I become very black and white in my thinking. I’ll admit, this came as a bit of a shock. Whilst I have…
I am who I am
I wake up with a familiar gnawing in my gut. I feel sick. Sleep eluded me last night, nightmares filling my brain with terror. I feel the swell of my ever increasing abdomen on the bed. Middle age has not been kind to my body. Dave used to spoon me in bed and bend his…
Life is short
I’m documenting my journey. 2020 is honestly proving to be a rather challenging year and I need to make sense of it in my head. I’m lying in bed as I write this. Nearly 11am, still in my pjs with the electric blanket on. I feel the cold so much. I have so many days…
You’re autistic : May the fourth be with you
Driving in the car, I feel a hand take mine and squeeze. I am anxious and he can see it. “How are you feeling?” He knows the answer but it’s something to break the silence. “I feel sick.” He nods. “I feel sick because I’m terrified it won’t be what I want to hear.” He…
The Contract
“You’re not actually going to paint that?” “That’s exactly what I am going to do.” “It’s sacrilegious. It’s covering up beautiful timber.” There was nothing beautiful about this piece. The coffee table just sat there – worn, weather beaten from being outside for too long – as we discussed its merits. It was a dirty…
Chameleon
Ah, Mr Society, you are here. Uninvited as usual, but here, nevertheless. Have you made up your mind yet? No? Still deciding are we? I grow wearisome of this game we play. You, the master, me, the dutiful… what exactly? Still don’t know? One minute you want one thing, the next another. The perpetual pendulum….
Worm
Hello little Worm. It’s been a while. I see you burying deep in the synapses of my brain. Thoughts on a loop. I can feel the darkness setting in. The pain, the hopelessness, the fear. Mostly the fear. I wonder how it would be if we had felt loved. Some shred of warmth. Would you…