I wake up to the burning sensation in my stomach. I clutch it, curling into a ball. 2am. I close my eyes, willing myself to breathe in, breathe out. Please, brain, don’t go into overdrive tonight. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. I feel the rise and fall of my burning abdomen. What…
Tag: mental health
The rambling recesses of my mind
I’ve been going through a thing. And it has been so hard to talk about, to compartmentalise, to rationalise, indeed to live. The thing itself has been harrowing enough, but it is the soul reaching thoughts and feelings that have left me reeling. Mr C and I were watching TV the other night; sometimes I…
Coming home
I’ve been away. Two and a bit weeks ago Mr C decided I needed a break. He had snagged himself a job (oh the relief!), and we had a little of the redundancy money left, so he decided to send me back to the UK to where my dad lives. Just between you and me,…
Thoughtfulness Cards – acknowledging depression and suicide
I’m depressed. There’s no coating it, there’s no glossing over it, and there is absolutely no point in pretending that I’m not having an episode of deep depression. There is an argument floating around that writing about dark stuff on a personal level reduces readers, that people don’t want to read about the horrors of…
Stream of consciousness
I wrote a post about gun laws, but I’m not going to post that today. Another day perhaps, maybe later in the week. The truth is I’m tired. I’m too bogged down with what is going on in my own life, in my immediate vicinity, to make the effort to scream across the water at…
Autism, the puzzle piece that refuses to fit, and thank goodness for that
“I’m dropping out of school!” The words ring in my ears. Desperation. Hurt. Anger. Anguish. I see all of these things when I look into his eyes. “Love…” “Don’t talk mum, I am DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL!” He has reached implosion point. “I’m 18, I don’t fucking well have to stay in school.” It’s true,…
On David Bowie and the non-love of music
David Bowie died yesterday. I am an 80s child, and he was an icon in the era of 80s music. Yet, whilst I am sad for the loss his family will feel — so very sad for that — I am largely unmoved. Everywhere I look, people are mourning. Tributes are pouring in and the…
The day I chose sobriety
I sat crying in the passenger seat of my car. I was shaking uncontrollably. Outside, the sun beat down, stifling each breath I took. How did I get to this point? Mr C gently took my hand. “If you aren’t ready, we don’t have to do this today.” I shook my head. No, if I…
The normality of being bald
Mr C strokes my head. “Does it feel weird?” I ask. “It feels beautiful.” he says, and then as if to drive home the point he kisses it repeatedly. “Is it like kissing stubble?” I ask. “It is like kissing you,” he replies. 18 months have passed since I decided to shave off my hair…
From the Winter of Discontent to the Spring of Living
I sat there staring at the screen. A curious little creature stared back at me. Hands clasped together, in the shape of a gun, pointing at me. Pew! Pew! Pew! Die Bitch! The words stung me, as if I was staring down the actual barrel of a gun. This was my website four weeks ago. I…