Today is pouring with rain. Winter is on its way in Melbourne and I have the heating on to prove it. The rain is torrential. I wake up to the sound of the torrential rain on our blue colour bond steel roof. I don’t like driving in the rain. Two car accidents in the rain has made me a nervous “rain” driver.
I text Jay. I’m not going to come in today, Jay, because of the rain. If it subsides later, I might come then, but I found it really stressful driving home from the hospital in the rain yesterday. I love you. I feel a twinge of guilt but tell myself that she is 19 and one day isn’t going to make a difference. Of the 25 days she has been in hospital, I have missed four days of being with her. I hope she isn’t too lonely.
I take JC to school. I am really loving that this term he is not giving me any problems about going to school. Week two and we haven’t had one day off school. This is major progress. I come straight home. I sigh, it is so good to be home in the quiet. The house isn’t in too bad a state either. I managed to give it a bit of a tidy up when I got home from the hospital yesterday. I am feeling quite tired so I settle myself on the sofa. My dogs curl up on my favourite mohair blanket. They keep my feet warm.
I upload all the pictures from the baby shower. The quality is not that great. I had forgotten my camera and had to use my phone. It isn’t great in low light. Still, the photos are a good reminder of the day. I resolve to make a scrap book for Jay, for posterity. Just not now. I am too tired.
My exhaustion is worrying me. At 44 I should definitely not be feeling like this. I can’t believe that this is just a symptom of my depression. My thyroid perhaps? Earlier in the week I received an email from my gall bladder surgeon. The blood tests from my recent hospitalisation have shown my liver tests to be “very slightly elevated” and she would like to see me in her rooms. I google “elevated liver tests” to find out what may be wrong with me. None of the conditions fit my symptoms, except gall bladder problems and I was relieved of that organ in January. I wonder if it is my thyroid? I must remember to ask her when I see her.
I decide that I am allowed a nap. I have to give myself permission because I feel guilty at all the work in the house that desperately needs my attention and I am choosing to ignore. I beg the laundry, hoovering and messy study not to call to me. Tomorrow is a holiday, I’ll do it then. Procrastination is, and always has been, my achilles heel. Right now, I don’t care. I fall asleep to the soothing sound of the rain and it is good.
I wake up in time to watch “One born every minute UK”. I love the UK version because it is based in Southampton and I used to live near Southampton. It is like I have a connection to the people featured in the program. I may have even passed them in the street! I am in awe of midwives. I wonder when Jay’s baby will be born. I am tired of waiting, as I know Jay is tired of waiting. This is an exemplary lesson in patience, I must say.
Jay has been remarkable throughout this whole journey. I have found it stressful – the worry and the travelling 60 kilometers a day have started to take it toll on me, but Jay has handled it really well. She is starting to get fed up though and I really don’t blame her. I have even found myself secretly wishing the baby comes early so that we can at least breathe, know what to expect and take the next step. I know this is wrong. The longer Baby C is incubated inside Jay the better. I figure, though, if he did come early, that the technology is there to make things right by him. Don’t think like that Sarah. It is wrong. He needs to be where he is for the longest possible time. I sigh. Patience is not my strong point.