Depression and the sweet taste of peace

 

Hello there.  How has your weakend been?

Anyone who suffers from clinical depression will tell you that more often than not, it is ridiculously difficult to see the positive in life.  It just doesn’t hit our radar. That old adage of glass-half empty can really ring true for us.

So when it happens that we have a good time – feeling good for an extended period of time – it really is worth singing from the mountain tops.  As small as it seems to most, it really is such an achievement in our otherwise negative and dark lives.

This past weekend was amazing!

It started off on Friday.  My wonderful friend Michelle from That Summer Feeling was coming to Melbourne from Brisbane with her daughter for a girly weekend.  Blogging can be isolating (though, truly, that works very much in my favour), so when you become online friends with someone, it is only natural you pounce on the opportunity to meet with them in person.  We met at Young & Jackson, just over the road from Flinders Street Station.

My anxiety prevents me from venturing very far from my front door, but when I do go into the city, oh, I do love it so.  I am not so keen on the crowds, but I love the adventure of it all.  And Melbourne is such a beautiful, accessible city with so much to offer.

So, I met up with Michelle for lunch and what a treat to have the lovely Sarah from Zinc Moon join us as well.  We talked, ate and laughed for hours.  Sadly, I had to leave early to collect Master J from school, or else I am sure we would still be there.

Saturday brought with it the promise of spring as the sun decided to shine brightly for us.  Mr C and Master J went off for a jet boat ride in St Kilda (a fathers day gift for Mr C from last year) and Miss J joined me for some retail therapy.  Since Miss J has left home and formed a family of her own, we don’t get to spend as much time together as we’d like, so moments like these are a real treat.  We shopped and talked, ate and laughed.  My skin felt warm, not uncomfortable as is the norm for me, and, strangely, wonderfully,  my insides felt sunny too.

We then visited some friends.  They live quite a long drive away from us, which gives Mr C and I some great quality time to talk, something which seems to be lacking of late. The evening was dotted with some beautiful reminiscing since these are friends of at least 20 years standing.  And for good measure we laughed a lot too.

I was up early on Sunday, although that was not my intention.  Mr C had gone for his weekly 90km cycle (utter madness, I know) and I could not fall back to sleep.  In a completely uncharacteristic fit of motivation, I decided to get up , change the sheets, do some laundry, tidy the kitchen (messy from the night before), tidy my study and sort a few bits and pieces out in the pantry.  All before 9am.

This weekend of warmth and relaxation was clearly agreeing with me and for once, I wasn’t filled with sadness.  I actually felt peace.  I felt tears at the realisation I felt peace too.  But that was a good thing.  I need to mark these times, remember them, so that when I feel so dark, I have some hope in the knowledge that these moments can exist for me.

Mr C returned, somewhat knackered, from his cycle and decided to take me to lunch.  He asked me if I would like the new iPhone 6.  I used to have a Samsung Galaxy Note 2 but that got stolen and I have been using a very old outdated phone instead.  I have missed having an iPhone so when Mr C made this suggestion, I am not ashamed to admit I clapped my hands like a gleeful child.

Sadly, the preorder phones were sold out already and ordering online brought with it a 3-4 week wait.  I was sad as I had never ever had the experience of walking out with something on the day it was released.  I know there will be many who groan at the hype, but I grew up in a family that had absolutely no money for anything, new clothes or new anything was non-existent, so yes, there is a part of me that would have liked to have sauntered into that store to pick up my shiny new phone on the day it was released.

“You could come and queue for a new phone,” the Apple Genius guy said.

Mr C just smiled.

“No, I couldn’t,” I replied.  The very image of having to wait in a massive queue of people made me feel quite ill. “School drop off,” I said by way of explanation.

So, I have decided to order it online and just wait for 3-4 weeks.  That’s okay.  It’s a first world problem, and I’m still getting it soon, which makes me happy.

Whilst Mr C and I were at lunch, I received a text from another friend asking us if we would like to come to dinner.  No cooking for the whole weekend?  I was in.

And so it was, we ended our lovely weekend with some more eating, laughing and talking with some beautiful friends again.

My brain has never felt so peaceful for such an extended period of time.  I am crying as I type this because this weekend I got a glimpse of what it feels like to feel normal, to have a brain that isn’t always on high alert, to know what peace truly is.

And it was beautiful.

How about you?  Do you suffer from depression?  Have you had glimpses, moments of peace too?  I would love to hear about them.  Head on over to my Facebook page, or leave a comment below.

Much love,