I’ve been awake since 3am.
I am not going to be good company today, not least because it’s highly unlikely I’m going to be able to stay awake past midday.
And it’s my cleaning day today, because Tom the Cleaner comes tomorrow. Because that’s what we do, we
clean tidy for the cleaner. Well you do if you are me.
Mr C woke up needing his asthma pump. Both he and Master J have been struggling lately. Change of seasons. Anyway, he woke up, puffed and went straight back to sleep. And I thought of the meaning of life.
Yep, that little sucker really got my mind going and then I was wide awake.
I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep, so I decided to read Danielle LaPorte’s book The Desire Map. I only came across her when I came across Alexandra Franzen earlier this year. And when I did come across her, she seemed way too woo woo for me. I am logical and analytical and pragmatic and deep thinking. That shit is not for me.
Except, it really is.
I have always had a spiritual bent to me. Ever since I was introduced to Buddhism 32 years ago, aged 14, I have always felt that we were all connected, that a thread joined us somehow. And I have been searching for that thread ever since.
When my mom died I decided the thread was a myth, that we were just biological organisms that evolved over time, not very nice ones at that. Whilst we appeared to be the most intelligent, we certainly weren’t the most clever organisms in the box. With our capacity for creation, origination, evolution and beauty, we constantly insist on annihilating each other. Nope no golden thread going on there. At our core we are just animals with intellect.
It’s glum I know. Hey, it’s my story and I’m telling it.
Except I haven’t been able to shake this feeling.
This feeling that we are all connected, that my self imposed isolation from humanity is making me miserable, that I am not living the life I was meant to be living, that I am not answering the call to live my highest self, that I am not being the person I should be, that I am not listening to the universe banging down my door, instead opting to sit in a cold, dark room with a locked door rocking myself in the corner whilst covering my ears.
And it is really lonely in here.
The last couple of days have seen me be really reflective about my stance on the world. What is it I am trying to prove? That we are just animals with intellect? That’s not a theory. That’s just pure cynicism. And that level of cynicism makes for a very miserable existence. Believe me.
I have been wondering how I can let go of all this cynicism, how I can sever the ties that seem to tether me to my past, that enable me to make excuses for the non-changes I am going to make for my future. I have been to a number of therapists over the years and each time I have mentioned that I feel that there is an invisible wall, like a mile thick wall of frosted glass in front of me. I know on the other side that there is a life of contentment, self confidence, emotional freedom, but I can’t see it and I can’t push past the wall to get to it.
And that is the point, I can’t see it. I have no idea where I want to go. I had stopped setting goals for myself a long long time ago. What was the point. My life, my choices, my past, all kept me hog tied to the misery I felt on a daily basis.
Yet, inside of me, somewhere really deep, is a part of me that refuses to believe that is my destiny. It is almost certainly why I am alive today, why in those moments of suicidal thoughts, I didn’t go through with it. Instead of being the pessimist people may mistake me to be, I am actually an optimist.
So, I picked up Danielle’s book (which I haven’t finished reading) and within seconds nuggets were flying off the page at me. The cynic inside of me was fighting with the part of my brain that wanted to just go with it. Whilst reading these nuggets, an internal struggle was developing. I googled Danielle LaPorte to check her credentials. Nothing bad came up. In fact, her story, whilst different of course, was similar in that she was of similar age and did not get a university education. She sought the meaning to life, her life, and had travelled to India, studied eastern philosophy, moved on, studied other things, evolving, constantly evolving and moving forward which finally brought her to where she is today. My logical brain felt foiled. Here was a woman who could give me hope. But the cynic in me still said this is all woo-woo crap.
Surrendering was never going to happen at 3am. So I flipped over to Facebook, because you know that’s the perfect sleep remedy at 4am. And who is staring me in the face but Elizabeth Gilbert. Now, I was not a fan of Eat, Pray, Love. Despite the odd nugget, I felt at the time I read it, that it was a bit unrealistic (I mean how many of us can take a year’s sabbatical, get paid to do it and come back renewed people – puh-lease!). But I am a fan of Liz. Her words of wisdom with every post she puts up on Facebook make me want to be a better human being. And that kind of writing speaks to me, which means I should probably revisit the book.
Her nugget today:
Attroversiamo: Readers of EAT PRAY LOVE will remember this as the last word in the book. Italian for “let’s cross over” — the most elegant way I can imagine to remind myself to let it go, to put it all behind you, to face the future rather than dwelling in the past, to stand up and try again.
Another way to say it, I just realized, could be: ONWARD — my other favorite word.”
And those of you that read my blog with some regularity, will know that just a short time ago I posted about this with an image of these chalk boards that I created for myself:
I am seriously trying not to get all woo-woo here, but honestly, I’m human. It’s natural to look for symbols, patterns, to make sense of my life. We all do it. We see these things and we ascribe meaning to it. Even pythagorus did that when he developed Numerology.
I’m seeing connections. I’m seeing a way forward. I can’t see on the other side of that frosted glass wall, but I can feel myself chipping away at it. I can feel that I am surrendering, that I am choosing to move forward, to allow myself to feel the goodness that this world has to offer and to allow myself to be, dare I say it, happy. I am reading the book and I am allowing myself to look at and take in the wisdom that is clearly speaking to me. I am allowing myself to “cross over”.
It’s a process. I know this. Two steps forward and three steps back and all that. That’s okay. Today, at 5am, I am okay. I am daring to hope for a better future for myself. I am daring to believe that I am about to embark on a journey that will enable me to live my best life.
And that is an exciting prospect.
How about you? Are you on the precipice of a new beginning, or have you made the leap and are well on your way?